Not the answer I wanted.....

I wanted to start a blog to talk about my favorite little man but before I do I wanted to share something first.  I think it will give you a greater understanding of Trevor :) Its something Ive wanted to talk about for awhile but wasnt quite sure how. so here it goes.

After almost a year of waiting this last Monday I finally got Trevor in to the Child Study Center in Oklahoma City to see a Developmental Pediatrician and a child psychologist. After a long day of questions and testing, the doctors gave me the results.

They handed me sheets of paper listing his strengths and his obstacles and their recommendations.  As I read it I willed it to say,“You’re child is fine and will not struggle anymore than any other child” but it didn’t. Instead in big bold letters it said Autistic Disorder and Receptive/ Expressive Language Delays. In his three years of life my heart has broken so often for him, sometimes almost daily, and this was heart wrenching. I didn’t want them to confirm my fears, I wanted them to tell me that I was just an over concerned parent. That my baby was perfect, his behaviors were normal and that his speech delays were of no concern.. ..but they didn’t.  As wonderful as it is that they told me how sweet and adorable Trevor was, and as reassuring as it was that his cognitive skills were on target (despite being cooped up in a small desk during the testing) it didn’t cancel out the fact that he still has so much to overcome: his receptive and expressive speech delays, his stereotypical behaviors, social communication deficits, and sensory sensitivities. It seemed overwhelming. Still does.

There is part of me (it’s very very small though) that is relieved to finally have a doctor give me an answer.  For a long time autism has been a possibility in the background, and now that I know for sure I feel like I have more confidence in knowing what needs to be done. Not being positive what was going on has impeded progress with health insurance, research, and being able to explain to family and friends. When something hurts or is hard I tend to deal with it by denial, and I can’t really do that anymore, which is a good thing.

Let me tell you guys, it’s one thing to wonder if something might be affecting your baby and a whole other thing for a specialist to tell you that there is…. I can’t even explain to ya’ll how much I love that little guy, I would do ANYTHING for him, and this is something that I can’t take away.  I hate this, I hate all the times so far in his little life that have been harder for him because of it, all the times he has been so overwhelmed and unable to explain to me what’s going on in his sweet little head.  It’s awful to see someone you love go through something hard, and not that things are always hard, but there are days that they are. And those are the days that I cry and pray and ask God to heal my baby, because I cant.

On a positive note it was really nice to hear the doctors tell me that everything I have done up until now for him has been helpful and has greatly increased his progress.  In the last year we have been waiting to get in to see them I can see how far he has come and I’m so thankful for that.

If I know anything after these past three years it’s that God loves my son more than I can imagine, so many things have been provided, and prayers answered. I know that before he was even born He knew all the struggles Trevor has and will face and has provided for them.  Trevor has already changed me so much, and I really can NOT imagine what it would be without him. He truely is a little ray of sunshine. I LOVE being his mom and really feel like this is just what I was meant to do.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalms 139:13